Thursday, January 24, 2008

Down in the Dumpers

Sorry for another post about me bitching and talking about my relationship problems. But hey, it is my blog to vent, so I cant be that sorry. Anyways, on to the bitching...

As of late, I have been feeling really depressed. Almost everything in my life seems to be making a turn for the worst. My financial debts are more than ever thanks to my student loans and medical bills. My parents and I have not been getting along very well, and honestly the only thing that was keeping me afloat in my life recently has been my boyfriend. Now, that even seems to be on the rocks. I don't know what it is, but it seems as if anytime I try to make my life better, something happens to put me back at square one.

In regards to my health, I finally got my ass to see a doctor to see what was wrong with me. My Doctor determined it was Graves Disease, and sent me to a few specialists to make sure that was it. Well, what she didnt tell me, and what I wasnt expecting was the bills I was going to receive in the mail. Coming from a poor family, I was without health insurance for a good portion of my life. So when I finally got a policy of my own, I thought it worked where money would be deducted from my paycheck and I could go to a doctor pay a small deductible and thats it. The insurance would pay for the rest. Well boy was I wrong. Apparently my insurance only pays for 80% of costs. So I have been getting bills in the mail totaling hundreds of dollars. Because of this, I have had to cancel all of my further appointments because I do not want to pile up anymore debt than I already have. This might not be a smart move on my part, but right now I am feeling too overwhelmed with my current financial position.

My bf and I also seem to be running into a wall of issues. Most of them are my fault and are mostly my emotional woes. Things started to get a little sour when I told him that he is just not a very sexual person. I didnt mean for it to be malicious or hurtful, but he took it to heart. For me, I could have sex all day long everyday of the week. It is constantly on my mind, whether I am at the grocery store or grandmas house *Gross I know!* But it is something that I always think about and always want. I am actually in the process of trying to get myself out of this phase. I would actually declare myself as having a small sexual addiction. It isnt to the point where I am going out and having sex with strangers but its bad enough in my head.

Yesterday I went to the bfs house since I was away for 2 days for work. Our evening started off sort of sour, and it automatically put me in a shitty mood. I was debating whether or not I was even going to visit him that night because when I talked to him on the phone before I came over, I asked him if he wanted me to come or not. He would simply reply with, "If you want to come, you can." He never actually said he wanted me to come or wanted to see me. This is what started our conversation about our current issues later that night where I told him that I feel he is very indifferent about our relationship. He never seemed to care if he would see me or not some days. He has never once said that he couldnt wait to see me, or really wanted to see me. But at the same time, I never gave him any credit. Even though he never said those things, I still did in fact see him everyday. We would see each other 7 days a week. Probably not a good idea. But I really did and still do look forward to seeing him every single day. Its the one thing I look forward to all day long.

Long story short, I feel like I am sabotaging this relationship. My bf says one thing and I will automatically switch it around in my head and tell myself that he is just saying nice things because he doesnt want to hurt my feelings. I need to start to just let things happen and try not to push so hard. I need to give him more time to himself. We have been having one night a week away from each other to do our own things, but I think that we might need to have 2 or 3. I dont know how things are going to end up with us, I can only hope that these problems will go away with my effort. I would hate to throw this away because of all of my insecurities. I finally have someone that is good for me and that I can picture a future with. I dont know why I wont allow myself to just enjoy this fact.

4 comments:

bry said...

Hey--

I am orig. from Pgh., and was interested in your blog.

Relationships are difficult, and don't let anyone tell you differently. As I celebrated 14yrs earlier this mo., I can attest that they are not always fun. Ours has required a lot of compromise. People think that compromise is acheived when both parties are happy. In actuality, compromise means that neither party is ever completely satisfied.

To boot, I think that gay relationships have added burdens. They are not celebrated and valued by many folks in the community. We cannot "formalize" the relationship thru marriage. Further, there is no word in English, that embodies the partner (wife, husband, fiance, etc.)! If gay relationships were valued, we would have a name for it.

Somtimes our families are not supportive of our relationships, for various reasons.

Some gay folks also do not value relationships either. They work on sabotaging your relationship, as well as their own.

What I am saying is, please value and consider your relationship. Give careful thought to its value and viability. If it has lost its value--move on. But if there is something worth saving, work on it.

If I may offer advice, consider counseling. Try to figure out what it is that you ar elooking for, and learn how to communicate that to your bf. If you do not know what you want, there is no way that he (or anyone) will be able to give it to you! Hang in there. Bry

m00nchild said...

I can't remember how long you and your bf have been together. I've read in a number of places that it takes anywhere from six months to two years before couples break past all of the projection and infatuation that goes on in the early phase of a relationship. you don't even start to truly get to know the person until that point because you're finally seeing them as them. an typically there's a sense of let down, or exclamations of "what went wrong?" or anger and resentment that this person wasn't who you thought.

maybe you guys are further down the pathway that this, but it seems from my read through that you might not be, based on how you describe your emotional lives together.

read me said...

You sound clingy. That's not a good thing if you want this to last. Step back, look at the relationship and determine if it's where you think it should be. And sex shouldn't be the first thing on your mind in a relationship. If it is, you've got problems.

sqrtzalot said...

Circle baby you do seem more clingy than Saran Wrap! Your depressive mindset also isnt helping things much either. Just don't get hurt ok? I live nearby in Penna and we have enough bad vibes already here. Hugs.