I have been trying to find a new job in Pittsburgh for many months now with no luck whatsoever. Its not that there is a total lack of jobs in the area, but a lack of entry level jobs for recent college graduates. This had led me to make a decision that I will be dreading when and if the time comes. I will have to make a decision to move out of the city and into another one. I think I have narrowed down my choices as to where I will be applying for jobs come the last day in February. The locations chosen for possible residency include: Washington DC, Chicago, Boston, and Denver. I would be leaning more towards DC with Chicago coming in 2nd. This is a rough decision for me to make though. I really didnt want to move out of Pittsburgh, more so now than ever. I really like it here. I have friends, family, and familiarity here. I dont really have that anywhere else.
I told the bf about my recent revelation and of course I am sure he is not too happy with it either. But there is in fact a relationship that will most likely not survive something like this. There are only two options for us if I should relocate. We would break up or he can follow me where I go. The main problem with this, we have only been in fact going out or 7 and a half months. It would be hard for him to sacrifice everything he knows to follow someone he has only been dating for that long. And I wouldnt blame him for not wanting to if he made that decision. I would not want him to blame me if he was unhappy wherever we would move to. This would have to be a big decision he would have to make on his own. Obviously, I would want him to follow me, but I would never actually ask him to do so.
I refuse to do long distant relationships because there is no way it would work for me. So I guess we will cross those choppy waters when we get there, but for now it is just one more thing to add to my already overflowing plate of stress. So I now have 1 month to find a job in Pittsburgh. I have a few options which I have yet to explore, but I still see a dreary outlook for this. I am trying to keep my hopes up but I still am trying to see that in the near future things could possibly drastically change for me.
That scares me.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Expectations
Over the weekend the bf told me that he feels he is unable to meet my expectations. This made me think what my expectations are not only for him for for this relationship and for myself. I can easily think of the expectations I put on myself for this relationship. I expect myself to be there for him whenever he needs me no matter what. I expect to at least try to tell him how I feel if something is bothering me. I expect for both of us to be honest and not hold secrets. And I expect for us to stand up for one another when we need to. I dont think that is too much to ask. And I have expectations for him. I want him to be there for me when I need him whether that if I am having a bad day or going to an important doctors appointment. I expect him to call me out when I am being an ass or being stupid. I dont think I have a ton of expectations but I know I have a few that are very important to me. And I dont think thats a bad thing.
He claims he doesnt have any expectations for me or for our relationship. He said that anytime you have an expectation, you are basically just asking to be let down. Obviously, things are going to let you down in life. But why hold back because you dont want to be disappointed or let down. Its going to happen no matter what. But if he doesnt want to have any expectations, I would still want to know what his hopes are for us and for myself.
I think Jonathan from Lunacy's Child said it right in one of his comments on one of my posts when he said that the infatuation stage is starting to simmer away for me even though I never did feel the bf was ever in this stage with me. Now that I am stripping this infatuation stage away, I am now really asking the important questions to myself. And the most important one being is he really someone I would want to raise a family and grow old with. Right now, the answer is I think so. It is still too early to tell. But now that things have been hashed out between the two of us on sensitive topics, I think we can both continue to learn about how to make this work.
I am excited to see where this is going. I am trying to be more understanding and give him credit where credit is due. I think things can only get better from here.
He claims he doesnt have any expectations for me or for our relationship. He said that anytime you have an expectation, you are basically just asking to be let down. Obviously, things are going to let you down in life. But why hold back because you dont want to be disappointed or let down. Its going to happen no matter what. But if he doesnt want to have any expectations, I would still want to know what his hopes are for us and for myself.
I think Jonathan from Lunacy's Child said it right in one of his comments on one of my posts when he said that the infatuation stage is starting to simmer away for me even though I never did feel the bf was ever in this stage with me. Now that I am stripping this infatuation stage away, I am now really asking the important questions to myself. And the most important one being is he really someone I would want to raise a family and grow old with. Right now, the answer is I think so. It is still too early to tell. But now that things have been hashed out between the two of us on sensitive topics, I think we can both continue to learn about how to make this work.
I am excited to see where this is going. I am trying to be more understanding and give him credit where credit is due. I think things can only get better from here.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Worst Pickup Line Ever
"Keep your eyes open on the missed connections on Craigslist, there will definitely be something for you!"
Yeah, this is how I get picked up in Pittsburgh. I was just dancing with my boyfriend at the afterhours gay bar, when this guy comes up to me and proceeds to try to flatter me with compliments which are always nice to hear. He finishes his conversation with that classy oneliner. However, my followup is always a nice way to let him down easy.
"Yeah, I will have my boyfriend look that up for me, Thanks though!"
And they lived happily ever after.
The End
Yeah, this is how I get picked up in Pittsburgh. I was just dancing with my boyfriend at the afterhours gay bar, when this guy comes up to me and proceeds to try to flatter me with compliments which are always nice to hear. He finishes his conversation with that classy oneliner. However, my followup is always a nice way to let him down easy.
"Yeah, I will have my boyfriend look that up for me, Thanks though!"
And they lived happily ever after.
The End
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Down in the Dumpers
Sorry for another post about me bitching and talking about my relationship problems. But hey, it is my blog to vent, so I cant be that sorry. Anyways, on to the bitching...
As of late, I have been feeling really depressed. Almost everything in my life seems to be making a turn for the worst. My financial debts are more than ever thanks to my student loans and medical bills. My parents and I have not been getting along very well, and honestly the only thing that was keeping me afloat in my life recently has been my boyfriend. Now, that even seems to be on the rocks. I don't know what it is, but it seems as if anytime I try to make my life better, something happens to put me back at square one.
In regards to my health, I finally got my ass to see a doctor to see what was wrong with me. My Doctor determined it was Graves Disease, and sent me to a few specialists to make sure that was it. Well, what she didnt tell me, and what I wasnt expecting was the bills I was going to receive in the mail. Coming from a poor family, I was without health insurance for a good portion of my life. So when I finally got a policy of my own, I thought it worked where money would be deducted from my paycheck and I could go to a doctor pay a small deductible and thats it. The insurance would pay for the rest. Well boy was I wrong. Apparently my insurance only pays for 80% of costs. So I have been getting bills in the mail totaling hundreds of dollars. Because of this, I have had to cancel all of my further appointments because I do not want to pile up anymore debt than I already have. This might not be a smart move on my part, but right now I am feeling too overwhelmed with my current financial position.
My bf and I also seem to be running into a wall of issues. Most of them are my fault and are mostly my emotional woes. Things started to get a little sour when I told him that he is just not a very sexual person. I didnt mean for it to be malicious or hurtful, but he took it to heart. For me, I could have sex all day long everyday of the week. It is constantly on my mind, whether I am at the grocery store or grandmas house *Gross I know!* But it is something that I always think about and always want. I am actually in the process of trying to get myself out of this phase. I would actually declare myself as having a small sexual addiction. It isnt to the point where I am going out and having sex with strangers but its bad enough in my head.
Yesterday I went to the bfs house since I was away for 2 days for work. Our evening started off sort of sour, and it automatically put me in a shitty mood. I was debating whether or not I was even going to visit him that night because when I talked to him on the phone before I came over, I asked him if he wanted me to come or not. He would simply reply with, "If you want to come, you can." He never actually said he wanted me to come or wanted to see me. This is what started our conversation about our current issues later that night where I told him that I feel he is very indifferent about our relationship. He never seemed to care if he would see me or not some days. He has never once said that he couldnt wait to see me, or really wanted to see me. But at the same time, I never gave him any credit. Even though he never said those things, I still did in fact see him everyday. We would see each other 7 days a week. Probably not a good idea. But I really did and still do look forward to seeing him every single day. Its the one thing I look forward to all day long.
Long story short, I feel like I am sabotaging this relationship. My bf says one thing and I will automatically switch it around in my head and tell myself that he is just saying nice things because he doesnt want to hurt my feelings. I need to start to just let things happen and try not to push so hard. I need to give him more time to himself. We have been having one night a week away from each other to do our own things, but I think that we might need to have 2 or 3. I dont know how things are going to end up with us, I can only hope that these problems will go away with my effort. I would hate to throw this away because of all of my insecurities. I finally have someone that is good for me and that I can picture a future with. I dont know why I wont allow myself to just enjoy this fact.
As of late, I have been feeling really depressed. Almost everything in my life seems to be making a turn for the worst. My financial debts are more than ever thanks to my student loans and medical bills. My parents and I have not been getting along very well, and honestly the only thing that was keeping me afloat in my life recently has been my boyfriend. Now, that even seems to be on the rocks. I don't know what it is, but it seems as if anytime I try to make my life better, something happens to put me back at square one.
In regards to my health, I finally got my ass to see a doctor to see what was wrong with me. My Doctor determined it was Graves Disease, and sent me to a few specialists to make sure that was it. Well, what she didnt tell me, and what I wasnt expecting was the bills I was going to receive in the mail. Coming from a poor family, I was without health insurance for a good portion of my life. So when I finally got a policy of my own, I thought it worked where money would be deducted from my paycheck and I could go to a doctor pay a small deductible and thats it. The insurance would pay for the rest. Well boy was I wrong. Apparently my insurance only pays for 80% of costs. So I have been getting bills in the mail totaling hundreds of dollars. Because of this, I have had to cancel all of my further appointments because I do not want to pile up anymore debt than I already have. This might not be a smart move on my part, but right now I am feeling too overwhelmed with my current financial position.
My bf and I also seem to be running into a wall of issues. Most of them are my fault and are mostly my emotional woes. Things started to get a little sour when I told him that he is just not a very sexual person. I didnt mean for it to be malicious or hurtful, but he took it to heart. For me, I could have sex all day long everyday of the week. It is constantly on my mind, whether I am at the grocery store or grandmas house *Gross I know!* But it is something that I always think about and always want. I am actually in the process of trying to get myself out of this phase. I would actually declare myself as having a small sexual addiction. It isnt to the point where I am going out and having sex with strangers but its bad enough in my head.
Yesterday I went to the bfs house since I was away for 2 days for work. Our evening started off sort of sour, and it automatically put me in a shitty mood. I was debating whether or not I was even going to visit him that night because when I talked to him on the phone before I came over, I asked him if he wanted me to come or not. He would simply reply with, "If you want to come, you can." He never actually said he wanted me to come or wanted to see me. This is what started our conversation about our current issues later that night where I told him that I feel he is very indifferent about our relationship. He never seemed to care if he would see me or not some days. He has never once said that he couldnt wait to see me, or really wanted to see me. But at the same time, I never gave him any credit. Even though he never said those things, I still did in fact see him everyday. We would see each other 7 days a week. Probably not a good idea. But I really did and still do look forward to seeing him every single day. Its the one thing I look forward to all day long.
Long story short, I feel like I am sabotaging this relationship. My bf says one thing and I will automatically switch it around in my head and tell myself that he is just saying nice things because he doesnt want to hurt my feelings. I need to start to just let things happen and try not to push so hard. I need to give him more time to himself. We have been having one night a week away from each other to do our own things, but I think that we might need to have 2 or 3. I dont know how things are going to end up with us, I can only hope that these problems will go away with my effort. I would hate to throw this away because of all of my insecurities. I finally have someone that is good for me and that I can picture a future with. I dont know why I wont allow myself to just enjoy this fact.
Monday, January 21, 2008
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
Yeah thats how I would classify Cloverfield. The movie was soo great that I have nothing really that bad to say about it. The intensity starts roughly 15 minutes into the movie and never lets up til the very end. Not only does the Blair Witch style filming of the movie make it more realistic, but it allows you to feel like you are right there along with the other characters running from the monster. Definitely go see the movie. The computer animated portions of the movie are flawless and I find it hard to believe that it was only $30 million to make when most movies of this calaber cost well over $100M. Also, I definitely think there is going to be a sequel and some point. I will be keeping my fingers crossed.
As for posting this week, I am not sure how much posting I will be doing. I leave this evening for Cleveland where I will be staying overnight before I leave for Hoyt, Michigan for the day. I will then be in Cleveland for the next day before coming back to Pittsburgh. I might be able to do some postings at night, but depending how how tired I am or how late it is, will determine that.
Adios Amigos and Amigas!
As for posting this week, I am not sure how much posting I will be doing. I leave this evening for Cleveland where I will be staying overnight before I leave for Hoyt, Michigan for the day. I will then be in Cleveland for the next day before coming back to Pittsburgh. I might be able to do some postings at night, but depending how how tired I am or how late it is, will determine that.
Adios Amigos and Amigas!
Friday, January 18, 2008
Song of the Second + Stuff
OneRepublic
All We Are
This song sort of hits home with me. Actually not even the whole song, but a few lines of it.
--We'll say our goodbyes you know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change--
There is someone in my life right now that I really need to let go of. My ex whom broke up with me over a year ago, still has issues that we are broken up and not together. I tried to give him space so that he can completely get over the relationship that we once had, but that hasnt worked. He still holds on to the hope that one day we will be back together. I think he is afraid to fully let that hope go. Everything tells me the right thing to do is finally say goodbye to everything we had in the past and what we have now. If I did this, this would enable him to finally move on with his life they same I have done so long ago with mine. But I am too selfish to do so. The friendship that we now share, I really cherish. He is still my best friend even though the only reality our friendship sees, is over the phone. But, he is the one I turn to when I have no one else to go to.
It is unfair to both him and my boyfriend to continue this. It is just so hard to completely let go of someone who you turn to. It is unfair to my boyfriend though because he should be the only man I turn to but I am more comfortable turning to my ex in some situations. As little as this would help me, I know that my ex would benefit so much from parting ways. He can finally understand that the hope of us getting together is truely no longer a fathomable. He can finally share what he has to offer with someone else who will be very lucky to have him in their life.
As hard as it will be and as much as I dont want to do it, it does need to happen at some point. It will be very hard for both of us, but in the end, the benefits outweigh the costs. I do love him, I am no longer in love with him. I love him for everything he has done for me, the endless love he has shown me, and the fact that he always let me know that I was the most important thing in his life when we were dating. Its hard to let go of someone you love and care about. Very hard. In time I hope I can have the strength to do this. For him.
***Update***
After recieving a few emails and a few other peoples comments, I need to clarify some of this post. The reason that I need to cut off this particular friendship is not because I dont want any male friends other than my boyfriend. In fact I only have two female friends in Pittsburgh. But the reason for needing to do this, is to finally let my ex get over what we once had and finally be able to let go and move on. I would love to be able to continue our friendship, but for my ex's sake, we need to end it. Just wanted to clarify that.
All We Are
This song sort of hits home with me. Actually not even the whole song, but a few lines of it.
--We'll say our goodbyes you know it's better that way
We won't break, we won't die
It's just a moment of change--
There is someone in my life right now that I really need to let go of. My ex whom broke up with me over a year ago, still has issues that we are broken up and not together. I tried to give him space so that he can completely get over the relationship that we once had, but that hasnt worked. He still holds on to the hope that one day we will be back together. I think he is afraid to fully let that hope go. Everything tells me the right thing to do is finally say goodbye to everything we had in the past and what we have now. If I did this, this would enable him to finally move on with his life they same I have done so long ago with mine. But I am too selfish to do so. The friendship that we now share, I really cherish. He is still my best friend even though the only reality our friendship sees, is over the phone. But, he is the one I turn to when I have no one else to go to.
It is unfair to both him and my boyfriend to continue this. It is just so hard to completely let go of someone who you turn to. It is unfair to my boyfriend though because he should be the only man I turn to but I am more comfortable turning to my ex in some situations. As little as this would help me, I know that my ex would benefit so much from parting ways. He can finally understand that the hope of us getting together is truely no longer a fathomable. He can finally share what he has to offer with someone else who will be very lucky to have him in their life.
As hard as it will be and as much as I dont want to do it, it does need to happen at some point. It will be very hard for both of us, but in the end, the benefits outweigh the costs. I do love him, I am no longer in love with him. I love him for everything he has done for me, the endless love he has shown me, and the fact that he always let me know that I was the most important thing in his life when we were dating. Its hard to let go of someone you love and care about. Very hard. In time I hope I can have the strength to do this. For him.
***Update***
After recieving a few emails and a few other peoples comments, I need to clarify some of this post. The reason that I need to cut off this particular friendship is not because I dont want any male friends other than my boyfriend. In fact I only have two female friends in Pittsburgh. But the reason for needing to do this, is to finally let my ex get over what we once had and finally be able to let go and move on. I would love to be able to continue our friendship, but for my ex's sake, we need to end it. Just wanted to clarify that.
I Do
It is known that I want to get married, have kids, own the house with the white picket fence. It is something I long for and will help my endless quest to the finish all the stages in Maslows Hierarchy. I think my self fulfillment and self accualization will come only when I have all of those things. Most likely coming after the birth of my own biological child through some sort of sorrogate mother.
My cube buddy at work is getting married at the end of this coming summer and was showing me pictures of the photographer he has just chosen. The photographer was good, but definitely not worth the $6000 he is paying her. But nonetheless good. While sorting through these pictures on her website, I began to think of what my wedding/commitment ceremony will be like.
My gay genes really kick in when it comes to my ideal wedding. I want the big wedding with all my friends and family there. I want the cake, the flowers and candles, the tuxedos, the music, and the dancing. Only time will tell if my current boyfriend is The One. As I said before, I have his permission to ask him for his hand in marriage after 2 years of dating if things are going the way they need to be. I would wait til around 3 years before I do that though. *I decided yesterday how I will propose, and its great!*
So with all these things running through my head yesterday, I brought it up to the bf while cooking dinner at his house last night. After talking about it for only a few minutes, it was clear that we had two very different ideas and views of what our individual ceremonies would be like. He wants something small, unformal, nothing too mushy or corny. He didnt want tuxedos, the slow romantic music to dance to, or floral arrangements. We agreed on candles instead of flowers. :) He doesnt want a traditional cermony because he feels that our gay relationship isnt traditional. Weddings are for straight people. Whereas I feel as if who cares if they are built around the commitment of two straight people, a male and a female. We can alter that cermony to fit us, two men in love wanting to share our love with our family and friends.
If the time comes when we finally decide to "seal the deal", there are definitely some arguments that are waiting around the corner. Lots of compromises are going to have to be made. I wont budge on the tuxedos though. He would look way too handsome to pass that up. The big wedding is my ideal, but as long as I get to make that extrordinary commitment to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, thats all that really matters. Because in the end, its the love that we both share for one another. Not the music that is playing, not all of our friends or families approval, its our promise for eachother that matters most. And thats what I look forward to the more than anything.
On a completely different topic, this is my 100th post! It took me about 5 months to get here, but I got here. Thanks to everyone for their comments and emails, I appreciate it. I look forward to continue to document my life and its struggles. To 100 more!
My cube buddy at work is getting married at the end of this coming summer and was showing me pictures of the photographer he has just chosen. The photographer was good, but definitely not worth the $6000 he is paying her. But nonetheless good. While sorting through these pictures on her website, I began to think of what my wedding/commitment ceremony will be like.
My gay genes really kick in when it comes to my ideal wedding. I want the big wedding with all my friends and family there. I want the cake, the flowers and candles, the tuxedos, the music, and the dancing. Only time will tell if my current boyfriend is The One. As I said before, I have his permission to ask him for his hand in marriage after 2 years of dating if things are going the way they need to be. I would wait til around 3 years before I do that though. *I decided yesterday how I will propose, and its great!*
So with all these things running through my head yesterday, I brought it up to the bf while cooking dinner at his house last night. After talking about it for only a few minutes, it was clear that we had two very different ideas and views of what our individual ceremonies would be like. He wants something small, unformal, nothing too mushy or corny. He didnt want tuxedos, the slow romantic music to dance to, or floral arrangements. We agreed on candles instead of flowers. :) He doesnt want a traditional cermony because he feels that our gay relationship isnt traditional. Weddings are for straight people. Whereas I feel as if who cares if they are built around the commitment of two straight people, a male and a female. We can alter that cermony to fit us, two men in love wanting to share our love with our family and friends.
If the time comes when we finally decide to "seal the deal", there are definitely some arguments that are waiting around the corner. Lots of compromises are going to have to be made. I wont budge on the tuxedos though. He would look way too handsome to pass that up. The big wedding is my ideal, but as long as I get to make that extrordinary commitment to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, thats all that really matters. Because in the end, its the love that we both share for one another. Not the music that is playing, not all of our friends or families approval, its our promise for eachother that matters most. And thats what I look forward to the more than anything.
On a completely different topic, this is my 100th post! It took me about 5 months to get here, but I got here. Thanks to everyone for their comments and emails, I appreciate it. I look forward to continue to document my life and its struggles. To 100 more!
At Last
Well the day has come that I have been waiting for for the past few months. There is no wedding, no anniversary, no big event. What today brings is something that I have anticipated and am ready to experience. Yes, today is the day. on the day of 1-18-08, Cloverfield is officially released and I have VIP tickets thanks to the bf to see it. Many posts ago I wrote of my slight obsession with the movie, and it has only gotten worse with each movie trailer viewing. Every time there is a new update on one of the movies viral marketing websites, it puts a smile on my face and anticipation in my head. There is a lot of buzz around this movie, and looking around the critics reviews, it is going to be a great movie.
Not only am I going to be seeing this movie, but I will for the first time be meeting my boyfriends younger brother. He is one year younger than I am, which sort of weirds our my bf. But hey, when you are a young strapping man like myself, you attract the "older" generations. He will kill me for saying that because he is in fact only 27, but still, I will throw out an age joke whenever possible for him. I am very nervous about meeting his brother. He is still not out to him, so I am only going as his "friend", unbeknown to the brother though, I will be smackin his butt and biting his nipples a few hours later. He hates his butt smacked though. Hehe.
So yeah, go see Cloverfield!
Not only am I going to be seeing this movie, but I will for the first time be meeting my boyfriends younger brother. He is one year younger than I am, which sort of weirds our my bf. But hey, when you are a young strapping man like myself, you attract the "older" generations. He will kill me for saying that because he is in fact only 27, but still, I will throw out an age joke whenever possible for him. I am very nervous about meeting his brother. He is still not out to him, so I am only going as his "friend", unbeknown to the brother though, I will be smackin his butt and biting his nipples a few hours later. He hates his butt smacked though. Hehe.
So yeah, go see Cloverfield!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
And on the 7th Month
Well today is the 7th month anniversary for the bf and I. Happy 7 hun buns!! We are not doing anything to celebrate though. He is sick and I am strapped for cash. So instead of going out to a nice fancy restaurant, we will be spending it at my house watching American Idol again. And whats for dinner you ask. I will be making Kraft Mac & Cheese and some new Turkey Hot dogs that I have never had yet. WooHoo! I am so romantic. But if anyone knows the way to my mans heart, they would know that all you need is some hot dogs and mac and cheese. Oh the things I do for love. We will not end the night with sex though. So the only thing going in his mouth will be a tablespoon of cough medicine. Closing the night by sending him on his way back home with a pat on his ass and a kick out my door.
This is completely off topic and all, but there are two things I need to mention. First, there is a new online music site I fell in love with. It is called imeem. www.imeem.com It has every song you can think of and you can create playlists and listen to music all day for free! Since the type of music I listen to isnt played on the radio, I am very limited as to when and where I can hear my type of music. So to listen to people like Tiesto, Ferry Corsten, and Armin Van Buuren, this is a great option.
Secondly, I read a book a few months ago called The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Well, it was announced that they are going to make a movie of the book, and it is going to be filmed nowhere else but the coolest city in the world.....Pittsburgh!! It is going to be starring Charlize Theron and Viggo Mortenson. If you care to know more about it, heres the link to the article.
Thats all I have for now.
This is completely off topic and all, but there are two things I need to mention. First, there is a new online music site I fell in love with. It is called imeem. www.imeem.com It has every song you can think of and you can create playlists and listen to music all day for free! Since the type of music I listen to isnt played on the radio, I am very limited as to when and where I can hear my type of music. So to listen to people like Tiesto, Ferry Corsten, and Armin Van Buuren, this is a great option.
Secondly, I read a book a few months ago called The Road by Cormac McCarthy. Well, it was announced that they are going to make a movie of the book, and it is going to be filmed nowhere else but the coolest city in the world.....Pittsburgh!! It is going to be starring Charlize Theron and Viggo Mortenson. If you care to know more about it, heres the link to the article.
Thats all I have for now.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
It's a Tie
For the new election for the president, I have still not fully decided who I am going to vote for. It is a toss up between the blonde bombshell Hillary or the hunk of dark chocolate Obama. Found this quiz, hoping it would help sort out my woes, but it didnt do anything. Take a look.
89% Hillary Clinton
89% Barack Obama
88% John Edwards
86% Chris Dodd
81% Joe Biden
76% Bill Richardson
74% Mike Gravel
73% Dennis Kucinich
54% Rudy Giuliani
36% Tom Tancredo
35% John McCain
33% Mitt Romney
24% Mike Huckabee
18% Fred Thompson
6% Ron Paul
2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz
89% Hillary Clinton
89% Barack Obama
88% John Edwards
86% Chris Dodd
81% Joe Biden
76% Bill Richardson
74% Mike Gravel
73% Dennis Kucinich
54% Rudy Giuliani
36% Tom Tancredo
35% John McCain
33% Mitt Romney
24% Mike Huckabee
18% Fred Thompson
6% Ron Paul
2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz
Friday, January 11, 2008
Thank God!
Well another Friday has come our way. I sincerely love Fridays more then chocolate milk. I get to look forward to sleeping in and most likely having sex for the next 3 days. WooHoo! This weekend though will be one weekend that no sex will be had. I have never had a cold sore before, but I think I have one now. I think my ex boyfriend must have given me this nasty virus when I was dating him, and it has finely decided to rear its ugly head.
Let me tell you how hard it is to have a hot ass boyfriend in front of you and not be able to kiss him. It is extremely hard. So I had to settle for hugs and kisses on my now bearded cheek. Since I have the devils eyeball on my lip I knew I wouldnt be able to kiss anyone, so I decided to grow out my scruffy look into a full beard. Not one of those nasty strangly long beards, but a nice well groomed beard. Maybe I will post a picture of my new beard this weekend with a photoshopped lip so you dont have to see middle earth on my full luscious bottom lip.
Until next time kids, TGIF!
Let me tell you how hard it is to have a hot ass boyfriend in front of you and not be able to kiss him. It is extremely hard. So I had to settle for hugs and kisses on my now bearded cheek. Since I have the devils eyeball on my lip I knew I wouldnt be able to kiss anyone, so I decided to grow out my scruffy look into a full beard. Not one of those nasty strangly long beards, but a nice well groomed beard. Maybe I will post a picture of my new beard this weekend with a photoshopped lip so you dont have to see middle earth on my full luscious bottom lip.
Until next time kids, TGIF!
DNA Strand
I have been seeing a good amount of these personal DNA things on other peoples blogs. So I thought I would give it a whirl also. The site claims that I am a "Considerate Director". Sounds good to me. It was suprisingly accurate in the studies results. Just point your mouse over each colored block to get a better understanding of who I am. Enjoy!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Look At Me, I Am So Pretty
I have decided to start putting more pictures on my blog whatever they may be. I even grew bored of looking at it, so I decided to jazz ti up a bit. Hopefully it will allow you to look at it that much more easily.
So I came across these and just thought they were pretty funny.
So I came across these and just thought they were pretty funny.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Gay As A Gladiator
Last night the bf and I watched the new American Gladiators show. I just have to say that not only is the acting as horrible as a high school play, but it is also as gay as a 7 foot tall drag queen. After 10 minutes of watching Hulk Hogan amateurly get through his corny lines, I knew I couldnt stand to watch this show anymore. However, the bf seemed to enjoy, and couldnt wait to watch the "Rings" portion of the show, where one person tries to climb across rings hanging in the air while another person attempts to knock them from their grasps by kicking and pulling at them. Its a highly homoerotic act especially when they grab one another with their legs and almost scissor each other while thrusting their bodies at one another all while making manly grunting noises. Yum!
None of the actual regular warrior people are cute though. Their over used steroid bodies are bulging muscles where ever possible. Their faces sunken in from throwing up that days eaten meals. Their legs are possibly the size of my chest and arms the size of my waist. I love muscle on my men but theirs are over the top. Even on the women its quite repulsive. See what I mean.
I am not sure how long this show is going to be on, but I hope not long. I don't ever remember it being like this back in the old days when I would watch it as a child. I am sure I wasnt worried about acting skill, but I think I would have remembered it being as corny as it is now. At one point, this is what one of the people said, " I'm hungry, I want to taste blood, I am going to eat you! Grrrr!" Who.the.hell says that!?
Also if you havent quite heard yet, one of the Gladiators past has been causing some controversy. Known as Militia on the show, he was known as Alex Castro, COLT star front man who did some gay modeling and gay porn for all the little homos across the land.
So I am assuming that the viewership is going to be quite diverse for a show such as this one. Females who like big muscly men. Gay men who like big muscly men. And "straight" men who are watching because there are "women" on the show. However, they lost my viewership as soon as I heard Hulk Hogan say, "How you doin Brotherrrr!?"
None of the actual regular warrior people are cute though. Their over used steroid bodies are bulging muscles where ever possible. Their faces sunken in from throwing up that days eaten meals. Their legs are possibly the size of my chest and arms the size of my waist. I love muscle on my men but theirs are over the top. Even on the women its quite repulsive. See what I mean.
I am not sure how long this show is going to be on, but I hope not long. I don't ever remember it being like this back in the old days when I would watch it as a child. I am sure I wasnt worried about acting skill, but I think I would have remembered it being as corny as it is now. At one point, this is what one of the people said, " I'm hungry, I want to taste blood, I am going to eat you! Grrrr!" Who.the.hell says that!?
Also if you havent quite heard yet, one of the Gladiators past has been causing some controversy. Known as Militia on the show, he was known as Alex Castro, COLT star front man who did some gay modeling and gay porn for all the little homos across the land.
So I am assuming that the viewership is going to be quite diverse for a show such as this one. Females who like big muscly men. Gay men who like big muscly men. And "straight" men who are watching because there are "women" on the show. However, they lost my viewership as soon as I heard Hulk Hogan say, "How you doin Brotherrrr!?"
Monday, January 7, 2008
The Return of the Grumpster
This weekend went pretty smoothly for me. The bf and I hung out all weekend deciding to stay in and skip the bars for 2 days. We are trying to slowly phase ourselves out of the "Scene" and focus on doing other things that don't require us both getting drunk and coming back to our houses smelling like an ash tray from being around 100 gay smokers. So we played it low this weekend.
He has noticed that I have been sort of grumpy lately and have sort of been taking it out on him. I try not to, but I am so stressed out about my job situation that it just sort of happens that way. Sometime in the near future, I am going to be shipped out for good to somewhere in the United States for my job and I don't want to go. It would be a permanent move, one of which I cannot take. That's my main reason for my job search currently. I still haven't heard back from the company I interviewed with, therefore I have basically determined that I didn't get the job. This has been weighing on my heavily, and has left me with a black cloud over my head. I know it could be worse, at least I have a job right now, but there is a chance I can be jobless for a short period of time. I applied for 4 jobs today, none of which seem to excite me, but I know right now I need to get my butt to stay in Pittsburgh. That's the ultimate goal.
Because of this, I ended up actually yelling at him and I even used the "F" word on Sunday. Which to all the people that know me, knows that I hate the word "fuck". But I used it, and apparently I used it twice during my onslaught against the bf. He didn't deserve it, but I was in a bad mood. It was all over picking out somewhere to eat lunch. Stupid argument. What he doesn't know however, that he sort of put me in a bad mood earlier that morning when he did something sort of sneaky. He was looking at a website when I walked into his room after I was done getting ready for the day, and as soon as I entered he quickly attempted to close the browser window which before he closed it, I saw. Shortly after that he made sure to clear the history and cookies from his browser. The website he was on, would normally not be a big deal if I saw him on it. But the fact that he tried to hide the fact that he was on it, makes it seem to me that obviously if he doesn't want me to see he was on it may suggest otherwise. I completely trust him and know he would never do anything to hurt me, but doing stupid stuff like that does push a few buttons in my head. I didn't bring this up to him, because I really don't feel it was a big deal, and didn't feel the need to possibly embarrass him. So I kept it to myself.
It sucked that day too, cause since he called me grumpy the previous day, I woke up in a good mood and wanted to stay in that mood for the day. Obviously that changed. So after eating at Pittsburgh's only real gay friendly restaurant, the day started to go a a little bit better. I played the most amazing XBox game ever! The bf and I have been playing alot of 2 player games on his XBox 360 and Gears of War is our new obsession. I suggest it to anyone. The graphics on this game by far beat any other game I have ever played. So try it out! :)
On Sunday we went to look at a new apt to start our day off. I found this apartment a few months ago but it was priced a little too high for my liking. They were asking $1300 a month for it, but when it was recently re listed, it was only $990 a month. And for this apartment it was a steal. The apartment was absolutely amazing. Stunning views of the entire city of Pittsburgh as well as PNC Park and Heinz Field. We even agreed that for this apartment, we would live together. But at the end of the day, neither of us can currently afford to move out of our places and come up with almost $2000 before we can move in. I just got done writing him an email that said that that its better that we dont rush into things anyways. And that I would rather move in when we are both ready and not rushing into this big step which could end badly. So yeah. Thats my weekend.
Here are pictures of the apt.
Starting with the view from the balcony!
Living Room
Dining Room
View of Balcony
Master Bathroom
Downstairs Bathroom
He has noticed that I have been sort of grumpy lately and have sort of been taking it out on him. I try not to, but I am so stressed out about my job situation that it just sort of happens that way. Sometime in the near future, I am going to be shipped out for good to somewhere in the United States for my job and I don't want to go. It would be a permanent move, one of which I cannot take. That's my main reason for my job search currently. I still haven't heard back from the company I interviewed with, therefore I have basically determined that I didn't get the job. This has been weighing on my heavily, and has left me with a black cloud over my head. I know it could be worse, at least I have a job right now, but there is a chance I can be jobless for a short period of time. I applied for 4 jobs today, none of which seem to excite me, but I know right now I need to get my butt to stay in Pittsburgh. That's the ultimate goal.
Because of this, I ended up actually yelling at him and I even used the "F" word on Sunday. Which to all the people that know me, knows that I hate the word "fuck". But I used it, and apparently I used it twice during my onslaught against the bf. He didn't deserve it, but I was in a bad mood. It was all over picking out somewhere to eat lunch. Stupid argument. What he doesn't know however, that he sort of put me in a bad mood earlier that morning when he did something sort of sneaky. He was looking at a website when I walked into his room after I was done getting ready for the day, and as soon as I entered he quickly attempted to close the browser window which before he closed it, I saw. Shortly after that he made sure to clear the history and cookies from his browser. The website he was on, would normally not be a big deal if I saw him on it. But the fact that he tried to hide the fact that he was on it, makes it seem to me that obviously if he doesn't want me to see he was on it may suggest otherwise. I completely trust him and know he would never do anything to hurt me, but doing stupid stuff like that does push a few buttons in my head. I didn't bring this up to him, because I really don't feel it was a big deal, and didn't feel the need to possibly embarrass him. So I kept it to myself.
It sucked that day too, cause since he called me grumpy the previous day, I woke up in a good mood and wanted to stay in that mood for the day. Obviously that changed. So after eating at Pittsburgh's only real gay friendly restaurant, the day started to go a a little bit better. I played the most amazing XBox game ever! The bf and I have been playing alot of 2 player games on his XBox 360 and Gears of War is our new obsession. I suggest it to anyone. The graphics on this game by far beat any other game I have ever played. So try it out! :)
On Sunday we went to look at a new apt to start our day off. I found this apartment a few months ago but it was priced a little too high for my liking. They were asking $1300 a month for it, but when it was recently re listed, it was only $990 a month. And for this apartment it was a steal. The apartment was absolutely amazing. Stunning views of the entire city of Pittsburgh as well as PNC Park and Heinz Field. We even agreed that for this apartment, we would live together. But at the end of the day, neither of us can currently afford to move out of our places and come up with almost $2000 before we can move in. I just got done writing him an email that said that that its better that we dont rush into things anyways. And that I would rather move in when we are both ready and not rushing into this big step which could end badly. So yeah. Thats my weekend.
Here are pictures of the apt.
Starting with the view from the balcony!
Living Room
Dining Room
View of Balcony
Master Bathroom
Downstairs Bathroom
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Songs of the Second
1. Linkin Park
Shadow of the Day
2. Janet Jackson
Feedback
3. Jordin Sparks feat. Chris Brown
No Air
4. Paramore
Misery Business
5. David Guetta
In Love With Myself (Benassi Mix)
Shadow of the Day
2. Janet Jackson
Feedback
3. Jordin Sparks feat. Chris Brown
No Air
4. Paramore
Misery Business
5. David Guetta
In Love With Myself (Benassi Mix)
Evolution
One year ago at this time I was getting dumped in a bad but necessary breakup. It was a hard time in my life because it would have been the first time in 2.5 years that I would actually be alone. I struggled with this. I still struggle with the possibility of being alone although currently I am not. This time allowed me to focus on other important things in my life. Friends, family, and most importantly myself.
My senior year at college was almost over and the last leg of an amazing journey was coming to an end. There were no more tests to be taken, no more late nights in the library doing school work, and sadly no more partying with my friends on Thursday nights. I was ready to leave college, I was not ready to pick up and leave everything and everyone I knew though. With one more month of school left and no job yet acquired, I decided to play it safe and take a job in the only city in which I was familiar. Pittsburgh. I had the option to live in DC or Chicago, but I wasn’t ready in my life to abandon absolutely everything I knew in life.
I was in a 3 month relationship with someone where I learned not to fall hard for someone when you know inside that you are going to get hurt in the end. I learned that I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve. People can and will take advantage of you when you are vulnerable and falling too hard too fast; friends included.
I graduated with a good GPA and a job which I would later learn to hate. I made the move to the city still unsure of my surroundings. Family lived only a few miles away but distance apparently wasn’t the only thing keeping us from being together. Selfishness and desire were the cause this.
I reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and lost some in the process. With each of these experiences I learned what I could. I took what I could from those relationships, learned a little about myself, and a little about life in general. Some people can say mean things, but they still mean well. With those friends, I will forever appreciate the friendships and life lessons I learned throughout our relationship. And I thank them for that. And I do miss them. Maybe at some point I will work up the courage to reconnect with some of them in the future.
After only a few weeks working at my current job I realized that I made a very wrong decision accepting their offer. Although it got me in Pittsburgh, it also gave me 40+ hours every week that I dread. That’s too many hours drained down the sink in the endless sea of wasted time. I have gained from this experience though. I have two new friends with whom I will continue to keep in contact with past my forgotten employment. They are amazing people, and they have allowed me to vent and laugh and make the time spent in my cubicle not so bad.
Lastly, I met the person who gives me the strength, positivity, affection, love, and the daily reminders to take my medication for my new illness that otherwise I would forget to take as my sickness slowly takes its toll on my short term memory. I couldn't imagine how different my life would be without him in it. Not only does he take up 90% of the posts in this blog, but he also fills me with hope for our future. Almost 7 months into our relationship, I think we both realize we have something we both have been searching for. Our dedication for each other and our relationship has grown with each passing day. Unlike any other relationship, he calls me out on my shit, and doesn’t let me get away with anything. I appreciate that. He still gives me butterflies every time I see him and he fills my thoughts all day long. I have love for him that makes me feel privileged to use the word and the opportunity to feel the emotion. I thank him for letting me love him as I am honored to do it every day.
As for the future, I can only hope that the things not going so well in my life make a change for the better. With persistence and consistency I know these things can change. I feel prepared to confront all of the issues I have pushed into the back of my mind and finally get them taken care of. For the first time in many years, I am excited to venture into another year walking into the light of the unknown. So I walk forward, taking slow but big steps into whatever life may throw at me.
My senior year at college was almost over and the last leg of an amazing journey was coming to an end. There were no more tests to be taken, no more late nights in the library doing school work, and sadly no more partying with my friends on Thursday nights. I was ready to leave college, I was not ready to pick up and leave everything and everyone I knew though. With one more month of school left and no job yet acquired, I decided to play it safe and take a job in the only city in which I was familiar. Pittsburgh. I had the option to live in DC or Chicago, but I wasn’t ready in my life to abandon absolutely everything I knew in life.
I was in a 3 month relationship with someone where I learned not to fall hard for someone when you know inside that you are going to get hurt in the end. I learned that I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve. People can and will take advantage of you when you are vulnerable and falling too hard too fast; friends included.
I graduated with a good GPA and a job which I would later learn to hate. I made the move to the city still unsure of my surroundings. Family lived only a few miles away but distance apparently wasn’t the only thing keeping us from being together. Selfishness and desire were the cause this.
I reconnected with old friends, made new ones, and lost some in the process. With each of these experiences I learned what I could. I took what I could from those relationships, learned a little about myself, and a little about life in general. Some people can say mean things, but they still mean well. With those friends, I will forever appreciate the friendships and life lessons I learned throughout our relationship. And I thank them for that. And I do miss them. Maybe at some point I will work up the courage to reconnect with some of them in the future.
After only a few weeks working at my current job I realized that I made a very wrong decision accepting their offer. Although it got me in Pittsburgh, it also gave me 40+ hours every week that I dread. That’s too many hours drained down the sink in the endless sea of wasted time. I have gained from this experience though. I have two new friends with whom I will continue to keep in contact with past my forgotten employment. They are amazing people, and they have allowed me to vent and laugh and make the time spent in my cubicle not so bad.
Lastly, I met the person who gives me the strength, positivity, affection, love, and the daily reminders to take my medication for my new illness that otherwise I would forget to take as my sickness slowly takes its toll on my short term memory. I couldn't imagine how different my life would be without him in it. Not only does he take up 90% of the posts in this blog, but he also fills me with hope for our future. Almost 7 months into our relationship, I think we both realize we have something we both have been searching for. Our dedication for each other and our relationship has grown with each passing day. Unlike any other relationship, he calls me out on my shit, and doesn’t let me get away with anything. I appreciate that. He still gives me butterflies every time I see him and he fills my thoughts all day long. I have love for him that makes me feel privileged to use the word and the opportunity to feel the emotion. I thank him for letting me love him as I am honored to do it every day.
As for the future, I can only hope that the things not going so well in my life make a change for the better. With persistence and consistency I know these things can change. I feel prepared to confront all of the issues I have pushed into the back of my mind and finally get them taken care of. For the first time in many years, I am excited to venture into another year walking into the light of the unknown. So I walk forward, taking slow but big steps into whatever life may throw at me.
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