Monday, September 22, 2008

Rollercoaster Weekend

It never really seems a weekend can go by flawlessly. Drama always seems to find me, whether it is provoked by me or not. A lot of crazy shit happened this weekend. Let me fill all of you in.

Friday night started a trend that seemed to last all weekend. Well sort of. I wasnt planning on going out on Friday as I was exhausted and not really in the mood for the bar scene. So I invited a few friends over to my house for a game night. The night started off badly because some dramz went down with the bf. I cant go into that because I am tired of reliving it. But he ended up not coming over and instead stayed home alone at his house for all of Friday night. So game night ended up consisting of me and 4 of my other buddies. I didnt know exactly what we were gonna do, but my friend brought over "Rock Band" for XBox 360 and we played that the entire time we were at my house. I pretty much rocked out on the drums, but the vocals, well, not so much. Everyone seemed to be pretty antsy, and not too long later, we all decided to go out to the bars after all. An interesting conversation started to take place though. This conversation had to do with Cocaine. Now let me preface this with the fact that the only drugs I have ever done, were marijuana and ecstasy. Both I tried once. And thats it. However, I let it be known that I want to try coke, acid, and ecstasy all just once. And ecstasy once more. Its not because I am a drug fiend, but I am willing to try anything just once. And because I am responsible, I decided that I could handle this.

So a few friends and I were having a conversation about getting some. All of my friends whom I was with other than one of them, have all done it. And once in a blue moon, still use. Long story short, we decided that we would get some. and I at that point wanted to try, and felt ok about the situation. However, there was a lingering thought that I really wanted my boyfriend to be there, just in case anything should happen. I wanted someone there who I knew wouldnt leave me or anything and make sure I was ok. And I also wanted to know that he wouldnt be mad at me for doing it in the first place. So after going to three bars trying to find my friends dealer, he found him, and the goods were purchased. Within a few minutes, I was in the bathroom with my friend, and I was snorting coke off of my car key. Not exactly what I imagined doing during my first time, but I guess it will feel the same no matter what. Within 15 seconds, it hit me, and it was unlike any other feeling I have had. But one thing I knew was, I at least felt good. I guess that is the point though right. So later in the night, some people, were trying to start some drama with me and my one friend, but we weren't up to dealing with it, so we kept our distance as not to make the drama grow. Long story short though, Friday turned out to be a pretty good night. I stayed as responsible as I could and didnt get into any trouble. Mission accomplished.

Saturday seemed to be turning out ok, as I spent the day relaxing in a park getting some sun with some friends. That night, I was on the phone with the bf, and somehow we ended up fighting, and after we were both tired of fighting on the phone, we hung up. But, something inside of me, told me how tired of fighting I actually was. So next thing i knew, I was on the phone with him, telling him I want to break up. I said some really mean things that were said only because of how mad I was. But after a long talk which I embarrassed my self greatly and divulging a secret that no one else knows of, we decided to stay together. Looking back now, I wish I would never had said anything and kept my mouth shut, but I let my emotions get the best of me. So now I feel extremely bad about the whole situation. But this isnt the only time I made an ass of myself this weekend.

On Sunday, I mentioned to the bf that my friends and I are planning a trip to either Chicago, NYC, or DC for October or November. He asked me if he was invited and after beating around the bush, I basically told him no. He got mad and justifiably so. I explained my reasons were immature and vindictive. I told him that my reasons were because since I can no longer go on the trips with him and his best friend whom I dont get along with, I want to go on trips without him then too. And why you ask? So that he can sit at home and worry about me they same way I do when he is on trips without me. Horrible thing to say on my part. But I am an ass. I can admit this. After fighting again, and taking full responsibility for the fight, we went on with our day.

We planned on going to this outdoor rave sort of thing. At a local park, there were a few dozen djs that were going to be performing all day long at different stages around this park. It was free, and something to do so that gets us outside enjoying the beautiful weather. We were both a little hesitant about going, thinking not very many people would show up. But once we got there, we were very presently surprised with the crowd. There was free beer and lots of free food. We stayed for a few hours listening to music and talking with other people. Overall we both had a really great time. So even though we had a bad morning, the rest of our day went great.

Lesson learned from this weekend...I need to learn to shut up and really think my feelings through before opening my mouth. I let my emotions get the best of me, and this causes lots of issues and hurts people in the process. But I move on from these experiences, and learn a little about myself, and hope I dont permanently damage my relationship in the process.

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