Thursday, December 20, 2007

Time to Back Off

Many posts back I wrote that I realized that I am a clingy person. I have further realized that my needy ways were due to the fact that I hate being alone. I need attention or affection in almost my everyday life. I assume this stems from two things. One being the fact that I come from a very large family with 8 other brothers and sisters and maybe didn't get enough attention growing up. The second reason that this may come from is that I have never truly met my biological father.

A quick side note about my biological father. My mother and him never got married. I was an "accident" that wasn't supposed to happen. My earliest memory which I am thankful for was that last time I actually saw my father. At the age of 1, was the last time my father and myself came into contact. And I remember briefly that occurrence.

I am not sure if the latter of the two things really affect this but I at least no a lot of my other insecurities are because of him.

Last night the bf could tell something was on my mind. My issue came out shortly after having an awkward sex session. I wont go into detail about that, but the fact that I am always worried about other people, and in that case my bf, caused it. So after him being persistent finally got me to say what was really on my mind.

I told him that I believe he feels that I smother him. I don't think I give him anytime to breath or have time to himself for the most part. I honestly enjoy seeing him everyday. He is my breathe of fresh air. It is known that I absolutely hate my job, and I don't really like being at my apt because of my roommate and her 4 cats. So when I get to see him, it is the one positive thing in my life that I have going.

I need to start giving him the space he deserves. I don't want to ruin this relationship because I am not allowing him to have a life outside this relationship. I will probably attempt to not see him everyday like we have for the 6 months.

Honestly no one wants to hear I need a break from you and we need to not be so dependent on each other. I think he wants to say these things but doesn't because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. He leaves on Saturday to go his parents house on the opposite side of Pennsylvania so we will be apart for that time. When he gets back is when I have to start to be more independent and understand that we need some on/off time for the both of us.

As for me, I need to start to find happiness and positivity in some other aspect in my life so I don't continue to strain what I have worked 6 months to grow.


Arthur said...

Jeff - I was trying to find a way to contact you. Joe hasn't told me who has won Swag Tuesday yet and my novel Fruit Cocktail but I just wanted to personally thank you for commenting. Hope you win! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Arthur

Just a read said...

Have you considered finding friends and trying to have your own social interactions? I read your blog often and see you mention his friends so its clear that you are part of his group of buddies. But what about your friends? That might help to make you feel less dependent upon him.

P.Brownsey said...

What's wrong with being clingy? There's too much stigmatising of the clingy. The way love gets talked about today, you'd think it was no more than a business deal between two free-standing entrepreneurs who trade services. It's time for Needy Lib. (I write jokingly but am not joking. There's something very sinister about what we are told 'healthy' love is like.)