Luck hasn’t been on my side for quite some time. Things in my life still are not improving the way I would like them too. I wrote a few posts back that I for the first time in a very long time, prayed. Well I did it again last night. I feel I am out of options to change certain things in my life. So I decided that on Sunday I will go to church. This is the first time I have ever willingly ever gone to church without being dragged to a Catholic church for midnight mass with my mother. There are a few gay friendly churches in the Pittsburgh area, so I will be attending one of those. Because I would rather not go alone, I asked my boyfriend to go with me for the support more than anything else. I am not exactly sure where he stands on religion, I am not sure he does either. But by the end of our conversation I did know a few more things about him.
I know that he doesn’t want to go with me on Sunday. Which is frankly quite fine, well sort of. I asked him to go with me just this once. He didn’t really want to go because he wasn’t sure what to do there or what to say like when to say Amen or Hallelujah. Then I brought up a doctors appointment which I have to make soon. It will be with an endocrinologist. A thyroid specialist who told me that the appointment will last two hours long and that will consists of many medical tests. Obviously no one likes going to the doctor’s office, especially when it is something serious and two hours long. So I asked him to come with me. Thinking that he would have wanted to come with me. Well, his occupation is within the education sector and he told me this time of year is his busy time so he is not really sure he wants to take off of work because of this.
This sort of thing is what makes me feel sort of mad and sad all at the same time. If the situation was reversed and it was him having medical issues and having to go see this specialist, I would want nothing more but to be there with him. In fact I would make it a point to make sure I was there by his side. But things are obviously not that way.
This makes me wonder if I am asking too much from not only him but our relationship. Just because I would do certain things for someone doesn’t necessarily mean I should want them to do the same for me. Once again, expectations are different for the both of us. What I do know is that he has made it pretty clear that I was asking too much from him to attend these two things with me. So I will be attending church by myself on Sunday, which maybe in the end is better that way. I can then focus all my attention on why it is that I am there in the first place. And I will also be attending my doctor’s appointment by myself, without even telling him the date of the appointment. I don’t ever want him to feel obligated to do something for me only because I would like him to. I want him to want to be there. And sometimes that is not always the case. And in the process I even regret or even feel bad for asking him.