Well that time of the month is almost here. And no it is not that time where I leak and spew out blood and unused eggs out of my crotch onto a maxi pad. *Thank god I am a guy, cause that shiz is nasty* My deadline to find a job here in Pittsburgh is right around the corner. I will start to apply for jobs in DC and only DC for now. If I am not having any luck there, then I will look in Chicago, and if I cant find a job there I will realize I am a failure in life and move all of my belongings under a bridge and start my new life as a homeless bum.
This is not the outcome I was hoping for. I was really feeling positive about finding a job here. But obviously it wasn't meant to be. This is no longer funny or something to joke about. My life will be uprooted and placed in a different and strange city. Normally when someone moves they do so willingly. They generally want to go. For me though, its the complete opposite. I am very content here in the Burgh. Everything and everyone I know, are within a two hour radius from my here. I am just not ready to part ways with my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. These 3 things mean the world to me and to leave them behind kills me. Imagine living somewhere where you are happy, where you have the man of your dreams, and you are surrounded by family and friends. Now imagine that you have no choice but to leave. It sucks and its not fun.
It is a little hard for me to make new friends. I am very selective of my friends because you know how the saying goes, you are only as good as the company you keep. I try to not be friends with bad people, selfish people, or conceited people. This process will be a struggle.
My move will also mean that the relationship with the boyfriend will come to an end. This will be one of the hardest aspects of me leaving Pittsburgh. Its different if a relationship ends because of a breakup or when you know it isn't going to work out. But I am being removed from a relationship that I see alot of potential in with some minor tweaking. When you have love for someone the way I have love for him, something like this really tears your heart. Its not like there will be closure from the end of this because it is not as if it ended poorly. We will just have to part ways and be done with it.
The thought of all this, mentally and physically wears me out. I am hoping that during my job search in DC something will spring up in Pittsburgh to keep me here. I am not ready to leave everything I know and love. I see my future here, and until that future turns gloomy, I will not be ready to leave.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
My New Favorite Shirt
Look what I found...
"Click to Enlarge"
This is the second time I have been mentioned in Missed Connections.
"Click to Enlarge"
This is the second time I have been mentioned in Missed Connections.
Best Friends Forever!
There is a big problem in my relationship with my boyfriend. The positive thing about it though is that it doesnt really have anything to do with him and I. The negative thing is that if I handle this problem the way I want to handle it, our relationship wont work. So what is this problem? His best friend/ex-boyfriend.
Alright, let me give the run down on him. He is 14 years my senior, and 9 years older than my boyfriend. They dated for roughly 2.5 years about 6 years ago. He was the bfs first boyfriend, and he ended up cheating on my bf a few times. But nonetheless they are now best friends. He's a smart guy, but you would never be able to tell because his immaturity diminishes any hint of intelligence. He is the ringleader for our group of friends. So that means if he isnt in the mood to do something, no one else is either. If he wants to do something, then thats what all of us have to do. No one else can have an opinion or input when making plans, because in the end, everyone just does what he says. When he is being an asshole, no one calls him on his shit. They just let it go and continue to deal with it. He has a big mouth and he doesnt like to keep anything a secret. The whole world must know anything he finds out. Which works wonders for me because since my bf and him are best friends, he knows alot of the issues the bf and I have and so he tells everyone else. He is very selfish, and in my eyes uses people, mainly his own friends, and they dont even see it. When he gets drunk, he lets his inner child come out to play and does so my screaming in people’s faces and making loud Woooo sounds. He is most peoples worst nightmare. Well mine anyways.
So now that you know everything you would need to know about him, let me explain my main issues with him. Because he know alot about my relationship with the bf, he does tell other people about it. Even in the beginning of this relationship, there were some sexual issues we were encountering, and of course the bf told him about them. I dont have an issue with this. Its his best friend so I would expect this. What I didnt expect is when we go to DC for a weekend trip and complete strangers come up to me and ask me about these issues that the best friend told them about. Not cool. Then there was another time when a friend basically told me that he had a slight crush on me when I first started seeing my bf, so I told my bf about it, who in turn told the best friend, who in turn told the guy who had a crush on me that I was saying that. Once again, not cool.
Normally when I encounter someone who is like him and likes to talk about my issues with other people, it ends up with them getting a nice pair of black eyes and a broken nose. Yeah I know this is in fact immature, but it was how I was raised. Stand up for yourself by any means necessary. And damnit there is nothing I want to do more now then to give him a face full of fist. But I cant. If I would ever do that, I know the bf would break up with me, and I would understand why. My only option if I want to continue to have a relationship with my boyfriend is to just deal with it. I have NO other option or it will never work between us. I dont want to put him in the middle, nor would I ask him to ever take my side. But I am just another boyfriend, and he is his best friend. Obviously he has a little more sensitivity towards his best friend. And it sucks. Because in the end, the bf would choose him.
This is taking a very serious toll on me. I have recently tried to be very friendly towards him, even inviting him over to my house, to drink all of my alcohol, to eat my food, to have a game night at my house. However he did something that shows he doesnt want to also be friendly back. I am now ditching the friendly act, and from here on in, I am going to pretend he doesnt exist, and when he is in my presence I will simply ignore him. But it appears this is my only option because it seems no one but myself was willing to make some successions, therefore this is the outcome. I am not sure what this means for the bf and I, but I refuse to no longer stand up for myself, and to be walked on by him like all of our other friends including my bf. I need to do the right thing for me, and I will stand up to anyone who questions my integrity and whom likes to talk shit about me and my private life.
Alright, let me give the run down on him. He is 14 years my senior, and 9 years older than my boyfriend. They dated for roughly 2.5 years about 6 years ago. He was the bfs first boyfriend, and he ended up cheating on my bf a few times. But nonetheless they are now best friends. He's a smart guy, but you would never be able to tell because his immaturity diminishes any hint of intelligence. He is the ringleader for our group of friends. So that means if he isnt in the mood to do something, no one else is either. If he wants to do something, then thats what all of us have to do. No one else can have an opinion or input when making plans, because in the end, everyone just does what he says. When he is being an asshole, no one calls him on his shit. They just let it go and continue to deal with it. He has a big mouth and he doesnt like to keep anything a secret. The whole world must know anything he finds out. Which works wonders for me because since my bf and him are best friends, he knows alot of the issues the bf and I have and so he tells everyone else. He is very selfish, and in my eyes uses people, mainly his own friends, and they dont even see it. When he gets drunk, he lets his inner child come out to play and does so my screaming in people’s faces and making loud Woooo sounds. He is most peoples worst nightmare. Well mine anyways.
So now that you know everything you would need to know about him, let me explain my main issues with him. Because he know alot about my relationship with the bf, he does tell other people about it. Even in the beginning of this relationship, there were some sexual issues we were encountering, and of course the bf told him about them. I dont have an issue with this. Its his best friend so I would expect this. What I didnt expect is when we go to DC for a weekend trip and complete strangers come up to me and ask me about these issues that the best friend told them about. Not cool. Then there was another time when a friend basically told me that he had a slight crush on me when I first started seeing my bf, so I told my bf about it, who in turn told the best friend, who in turn told the guy who had a crush on me that I was saying that. Once again, not cool.
Normally when I encounter someone who is like him and likes to talk about my issues with other people, it ends up with them getting a nice pair of black eyes and a broken nose. Yeah I know this is in fact immature, but it was how I was raised. Stand up for yourself by any means necessary. And damnit there is nothing I want to do more now then to give him a face full of fist. But I cant. If I would ever do that, I know the bf would break up with me, and I would understand why. My only option if I want to continue to have a relationship with my boyfriend is to just deal with it. I have NO other option or it will never work between us. I dont want to put him in the middle, nor would I ask him to ever take my side. But I am just another boyfriend, and he is his best friend. Obviously he has a little more sensitivity towards his best friend. And it sucks. Because in the end, the bf would choose him.
This is taking a very serious toll on me. I have recently tried to be very friendly towards him, even inviting him over to my house, to drink all of my alcohol, to eat my food, to have a game night at my house. However he did something that shows he doesnt want to also be friendly back. I am now ditching the friendly act, and from here on in, I am going to pretend he doesnt exist, and when he is in my presence I will simply ignore him. But it appears this is my only option because it seems no one but myself was willing to make some successions, therefore this is the outcome. I am not sure what this means for the bf and I, but I refuse to no longer stand up for myself, and to be walked on by him like all of our other friends including my bf. I need to do the right thing for me, and I will stand up to anyone who questions my integrity and whom likes to talk shit about me and my private life.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Weekend
This weekend was pretty not exciting. I hosted a mini board game night with some friends at my place where everyone got a little drunk and had a good time. On Saturday night the bf and our friends headed to the Pittsburgh Eagle for a night out of dancing and drinking. Chi Chi LaRue was supposed to be a guest star DJ but she never showed up. I was disappointed because I wanted to be her next big porn star. Oh well. Maybe next time. Back to dreaming I guess. The night started off a little poor from the bf and I getting into a fight in the parking lot of the bar while still in my car. We didn’t want that to ruin our night, so we both went in with our happy faces on and we both had a great time.
Now normally when I go out to a club/bar, I have been wearing usually a regular t-shirt or polo. But I have been working my ass of in the gym, so I wanted to show off my new muscles. So I have a few shirts that are a little tighter and show off the goods well. So I decided on my Andrew Christian Henley which nicely contours my back, chest, and arm muscles. Well I decided it is a definitely a good shirt to wear when you are having self esteem issues and/or single. I don’t think I have ever been hit on so much in one night. Within minutes of walking into the bar, I had strangers throwing compliments my way. Its always nice to have positive reinforcement like this. This continued for the rest of the night.
Beyond that, I had a really good rest of the night. I am beginning to make a new friend. One whom my boyfriend thinks that I was flirting and being flirted with. But he is much older than me almost double my age, but we just have a lot in common so it’s always nice to find someone who is easy to talk to. The night ended well. I am not completely sure because of my drunken state, but I even think it ended with some good ol sex between the bf and I.
Which brings me to Sunday. Started off well with some morning sex. Then quickly off to church. Those two things go so well together. Once again, I am really enjoying going, and at the end of the service a man came up to us and was talking about his partner and so on. It is so nice to be able to go to a church where I can be accepted instead of being told I am going to hell because of the person I love. I look forward once again to going next week. And there is a small added bonus having my bf going to church with me, I get to see him dressed up. And seeing him in dress is a huge turn on. Holla!
So yeah, that’s it. And only 13 days till I am sunbathing my booty on South Beach! :)
Now normally when I go out to a club/bar, I have been wearing usually a regular t-shirt or polo. But I have been working my ass of in the gym, so I wanted to show off my new muscles. So I have a few shirts that are a little tighter and show off the goods well. So I decided on my Andrew Christian Henley which nicely contours my back, chest, and arm muscles. Well I decided it is a definitely a good shirt to wear when you are having self esteem issues and/or single. I don’t think I have ever been hit on so much in one night. Within minutes of walking into the bar, I had strangers throwing compliments my way. Its always nice to have positive reinforcement like this. This continued for the rest of the night.
Beyond that, I had a really good rest of the night. I am beginning to make a new friend. One whom my boyfriend thinks that I was flirting and being flirted with. But he is much older than me almost double my age, but we just have a lot in common so it’s always nice to find someone who is easy to talk to. The night ended well. I am not completely sure because of my drunken state, but I even think it ended with some good ol sex between the bf and I.
Which brings me to Sunday. Started off well with some morning sex. Then quickly off to church. Those two things go so well together. Once again, I am really enjoying going, and at the end of the service a man came up to us and was talking about his partner and so on. It is so nice to be able to go to a church where I can be accepted instead of being told I am going to hell because of the person I love. I look forward once again to going next week. And there is a small added bonus having my bf going to church with me, I get to see him dressed up. And seeing him in dress is a huge turn on. Holla!
So yeah, that’s it. And only 13 days till I am sunbathing my booty on South Beach! :)
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Feelin Good
Although this week for me has been exceptionally busy for me while at work, I have been feeling positive and optimistic. I have really been enjoying the type of work that I have been assigned. *Managing a team and telling people what to do!* My coworkers and I have been getting along great and I feel new friendships forming. I reconnected with one of my old friends here in Pittsburgh. We are both dealing with similar situations in our lives such as with our relationships, jobs, etc. So it has been nice talking to someone who can understand what I am talking about and relate to what I am saying instead of lecturing me on it.
I have also done all I can do with all my other added stresses that I am able to do. Now all I can do is wait for people to get back to me, so it is all in their hands. I am no longer nearly as stressed out as I was before, which lets face, makes a me a much happier person to be around.
The situation with my roommate also came to a head earlier in the week. We had a big argument, but in the end, we came to an agreement and we put everything out on the table. So she now knows everything that was bothering me.
Lastly, I have applied to 3 jobs in Pittsburgh which I am very qualified for. I am feeling positive about all of them. It’s about time that these jobs have crept up because I only had 10 more days until my self imposed deadline was here to start looking for jobs in Washington DC. So hopefully some interviews will soon be in my future followed by some nice job/salary offers.
It’s nice to finally feel positive about everything that is going on in my life. It has been quite some time since I have felt this way. :)
I have also done all I can do with all my other added stresses that I am able to do. Now all I can do is wait for people to get back to me, so it is all in their hands. I am no longer nearly as stressed out as I was before, which lets face, makes a me a much happier person to be around.
The situation with my roommate also came to a head earlier in the week. We had a big argument, but in the end, we came to an agreement and we put everything out on the table. So she now knows everything that was bothering me.
Lastly, I have applied to 3 jobs in Pittsburgh which I am very qualified for. I am feeling positive about all of them. It’s about time that these jobs have crept up because I only had 10 more days until my self imposed deadline was here to start looking for jobs in Washington DC. So hopefully some interviews will soon be in my future followed by some nice job/salary offers.
It’s nice to finally feel positive about everything that is going on in my life. It has been quite some time since I have felt this way. :)
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Sunshine
Well I made my final arrangements for a trip to Miami for work. I am the project leader for this big to do down there. Once this trip is over, I would have spent 3 months organizing it. I am very excited that it is coming though. My cubemate and I will be flying down two days before we are suppose to arrive and spend the weekend in the lovely Miami and South Beach. I have my board shorts and a pair of my boyfriends square cut swim shorts all ready to go. I know it is sort of really gay to wear square cut swim shorts to the beach, but I will only do it if I see other guys wearing them too. And they dont look horrible, unless you dont have a not so quite toned body. But since I have been working my ass off in the gym, I would say I am not too far away from looking like this guy...Minus the amazing hard rock abs.
So yeah. Hopefully all goes well with that. My bud and I are staying in a very nice hotel in downtown Miami which will be convenient for the late night clubbing there. Yay for me!
So yeah. Hopefully all goes well with that. My bud and I are staying in a very nice hotel in downtown Miami which will be convenient for the late night clubbing there. Yay for me!
Monday, February 18, 2008
The Church
Well I did it. Yesterday (Sunday) I went to church. I even managed to drag the boyfriend along too. He wasn't too happy about it at first, but he said he actually enjoyed it and that he may possibly come with me next Sunday. Most importantly I was pleased with everything I heard and saw. I went to a Unitarian Church because I like their principles and beliefs. It is a very liberal viewed church where they welcome and appreciate their gay members. Now the last place I wanted to go was one where they tell you that they are the ultimate and only correct religion. So although it may not be a conventional church like some of the others, I agree with what they preach. This is a list of their 7 main principles of what they affirm and promote:
1. The inherent worth and dignity of every person
2. Justice, equity and compassion in human relations
3. Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations
4. A free and responsible search for truth and meaning
5. The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large
6. The goal of world community with peace, liberty and justice for all
7. Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part
Before the sermon started one of the church leaders had asked if anyone in the room had never been to the church before. Surprisingly the bf and I were not the only ones. A few hands were raised including ours and we received a verbal welcome as well as many affirming smiles thrown our way from around the church. A few minutes later, they asked everyone to say greet each other with a simple hello and good morning. Many people came up to us to greet us and give their own personal welcoming. Each hello and good morning seemed as though the words spoken were sincere and that these people genuinely wanted to greet us.
The sermon given was one that I was shocked to have heard my first time there. Everything that the minister said, for some reason had to do with many of my struggles. He hit home with many of his main points. It felt as if he was talking directly to me. I got many things out of it, and the one thing I really want to focus on is to try to not worry about the future or on the past, but to focus on the present. I need to be in the moment, instead of letting my woes of the future consume and overwhelm me.
I actually look forward to going this next Sunday. I can only assume that is a good thing. Hopefully the bf will come along as it is always nice to have a companion at your side. But for anyone that is in sort of the same situation as I am spiritually I do recommend checking it out.
1. The inherent worth and dignity of every person
2. Justice, equity and compassion in human relations
3. Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations
4. A free and responsible search for truth and meaning
5. The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large
6. The goal of world community with peace, liberty and justice for all
7. Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part
Before the sermon started one of the church leaders had asked if anyone in the room had never been to the church before. Surprisingly the bf and I were not the only ones. A few hands were raised including ours and we received a verbal welcome as well as many affirming smiles thrown our way from around the church. A few minutes later, they asked everyone to say greet each other with a simple hello and good morning. Many people came up to us to greet us and give their own personal welcoming. Each hello and good morning seemed as though the words spoken were sincere and that these people genuinely wanted to greet us.
The sermon given was one that I was shocked to have heard my first time there. Everything that the minister said, for some reason had to do with many of my struggles. He hit home with many of his main points. It felt as if he was talking directly to me. I got many things out of it, and the one thing I really want to focus on is to try to not worry about the future or on the past, but to focus on the present. I need to be in the moment, instead of letting my woes of the future consume and overwhelm me.
I actually look forward to going this next Sunday. I can only assume that is a good thing. Hopefully the bf will come along as it is always nice to have a companion at your side. But for anyone that is in sort of the same situation as I am spiritually I do recommend checking it out.
Friday, February 15, 2008
The Love of My Life
Yeah I know, you are expecting yet another post about one of the loves of my life, my boyfriend. But no, that’s not who this post is about. This post is about someone who has been by my side and who has supported me through everything I have done and continue to do. This person is my mother. I called her today to see how her Valentine's Day went. Well apparently it didn’t go too well. My stepfather is a diabetic, so he can only eat sugar free candy. So she went out and bought very expensive sugar free chocolate for V-day for him. Well apparently he didn’t like the way it tasted, so she said he was just really rude about it, and really rude to her about it. Not very nice.
As my phone call continued on with her, I found out some very disturbing news. She told me she thinks he is having affair with a lady who works across the street from where he works. Even more disturbing than that is that she said she doesn’t care. To give you the lowdown on my mom and my stepfather, they are very unhappy together, but only stay together because they have 3 children together who are my younger brothers. There marriage has been exceptionally rocky, and he has been very physically abusive towards both my older brother and I therefore my brother nor have I ever been fans of him. He is a little on the crazy side, and he is not someone you want to be around when in a bad mood. Because if you say the wrong thing at the wrong time, you can end up getting strangled, kicked, and spit on. Needless to say it was lovely growing up in a house with him.
Moving forward with the conversation with my mother, it was also apparent that she is finally giving into his mental abuse. It is nothing out of the ordinary to hear that he has called her a fat pig, ugly, lazy, etc. But apparently he has been focusing on her nose for some reason which I always thought was a nice nose. :) Well apparently she wants to have surgery on it now because he calls it her man nose.
It deeply hurts me to hear my mom say these things. I just as many other gay boys, love our moms more than anything. They are our best friends. She is mine. I would do anything in my power for her. I even invited her to live with me once I moved here to Pittsburgh if she would consider getting a divorce from the evil step father. Of course that didn’t happen, and she says that she is supposed to live this sort of unhappy existance. It kills me that my mother lives a live of pain. And I don’t know what I should do to ease her pain other than just be there for her to talk to.
Here is a picture of my mother and my beloved dog Heffer, photograph taken by me with my amazing photography skills. I think it would be agreed upon that she is neither fat, ugly, or has a man nose. You Rock Mom!
As my phone call continued on with her, I found out some very disturbing news. She told me she thinks he is having affair with a lady who works across the street from where he works. Even more disturbing than that is that she said she doesn’t care. To give you the lowdown on my mom and my stepfather, they are very unhappy together, but only stay together because they have 3 children together who are my younger brothers. There marriage has been exceptionally rocky, and he has been very physically abusive towards both my older brother and I therefore my brother nor have I ever been fans of him. He is a little on the crazy side, and he is not someone you want to be around when in a bad mood. Because if you say the wrong thing at the wrong time, you can end up getting strangled, kicked, and spit on. Needless to say it was lovely growing up in a house with him.
Moving forward with the conversation with my mother, it was also apparent that she is finally giving into his mental abuse. It is nothing out of the ordinary to hear that he has called her a fat pig, ugly, lazy, etc. But apparently he has been focusing on her nose for some reason which I always thought was a nice nose. :) Well apparently she wants to have surgery on it now because he calls it her man nose.
It deeply hurts me to hear my mom say these things. I just as many other gay boys, love our moms more than anything. They are our best friends. She is mine. I would do anything in my power for her. I even invited her to live with me once I moved here to Pittsburgh if she would consider getting a divorce from the evil step father. Of course that didn’t happen, and she says that she is supposed to live this sort of unhappy existance. It kills me that my mother lives a live of pain. And I don’t know what I should do to ease her pain other than just be there for her to talk to.
Here is a picture of my mother and my beloved dog Heffer, photograph taken by me with my amazing photography skills. I think it would be agreed upon that she is neither fat, ugly, or has a man nose. You Rock Mom!
Post V-Day
Well my Valentine's Day went off without a hitch. I still don’t understand what that statement means, but I will still use it. It started off rough for me though because my bus that I catch from my job in downtown Pittsburgh to my house was 25 minutes late. So I had roughly 20 minutes to get undressed, showered, shaved, ironed, dressed again, ending in some final primping. But I managed to do it. SO the bf came to my place, and I opened my gifts. And I got 3 of things that I wanted. Chocolate covered strawberries, brownies, and a nice bottle of Rogaine. Yay for me! He waited til after dinner to open his gifts. Our dinner ended up being one of the best meals I have ever had. It was a 5-course meal at a Pan-Asian restaurant called Soba. I am not generally a fan of seafood but most of the courses they were offering had some hint of seafood in it. So I tried many new things. Caviar, oysters, sea urchin, scallops, lobster, and salmon were all the wonderful new foods I ate. And I loved most of them, as did the bf. I would rate my meal a 9 out of 10. The check was a little shocking though. The final bill including tip was for $167 which makes that meal the most expensive meal I have ever eaten. But still one of the best. Then we got back to my house where he opened up my gifts which mostly consisted of different types of dark chocolates such as dark chocolate covered fortune cookies and a dark chocolate rose. Corny I know. And I got him a few other corny cheap things. Then I lit the candles that I strategically placed all around my room, turned on my playlist of music which I put together the night before, and made sweet sweet sweaty man love.
The End.
The End.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Cupid's Arrow
Yes of course I am going to do a Valentine's Day post. It is my duty as someone who is all about showing, sharing, and giving love. Valentine's Day to me however means probably something a little different than it does to most other people though. In the years of my secondary education, I dated a good amount of girls, romancing them through the several months of dating. All this time I was of course doing what most gay men do at this time, trying to change myself to try to stop thinking about the horrible little thoughts I got when looking at the high school quarterback. So each Valentines Day that I would have a valentine I would romance my girlfriend all the while thinking how great it would be if I were romancing a man. It was only two years ago that a reality like that would come true. I was dating a man who I was truly in love with. And he much like myself, were diehard romantics. This worked out well on days like this. Then he dumped me. :)
The reason today is not just like any other day to me, and its much more than just a made up holiday to spend money*What my bf thinks, is because I am getting to do the thing that I didn’t know I would be doing just a few years back. Not only was I not sure I would be dating men, but doing it in public. Taking my male companion to a restaurant full of straight wedded couples letting them all know that I am in fact...gay. This is a big deal, and it is very interesting to see just how comfortable I am doing this. Since I don’t live in a big city like New York, Chicago, or San Francisco where this sort of thing is part of the norm, myself and my boyfriend may possibly be the only gay couple at the restaurant tonight where will be dining. To me though, that doesn’t matter. What matters most to me is that I am spending it there with the one person in my life who is standing by my side through all my struggles and still loving me through all my insecurities and issues. No one else does that for me right now but him. To be able to be myself, to be gay, to be with my man, this is why Valentines Day is important to me. I don’t need the flowers, the gifts *except for chocolate covered strawberries*, but I just need to be with that one person who still continues to make my heart skip a beat every time I see him.
Happy Valentine's Day!
The reason today is not just like any other day to me, and its much more than just a made up holiday to spend money*What my bf thinks, is because I am getting to do the thing that I didn’t know I would be doing just a few years back. Not only was I not sure I would be dating men, but doing it in public. Taking my male companion to a restaurant full of straight wedded couples letting them all know that I am in fact...gay. This is a big deal, and it is very interesting to see just how comfortable I am doing this. Since I don’t live in a big city like New York, Chicago, or San Francisco where this sort of thing is part of the norm, myself and my boyfriend may possibly be the only gay couple at the restaurant tonight where will be dining. To me though, that doesn’t matter. What matters most to me is that I am spending it there with the one person in my life who is standing by my side through all my struggles and still loving me through all my insecurities and issues. No one else does that for me right now but him. To be able to be myself, to be gay, to be with my man, this is why Valentines Day is important to me. I don’t need the flowers, the gifts *except for chocolate covered strawberries*, but I just need to be with that one person who still continues to make my heart skip a beat every time I see him.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Clarification
Everyone knows that the bf reads my blog. So of course he happens to read my last post literally minutes after it being posted. I was called out on my views via text message from him while still at work. He did however; say that in regards to him not going to my doctor’s appointment, that he will go if he is able to, and if there isn’t an obligation at work. That to me is fine and acceptable. He never told me that, but simply that it’s a really busy time for him and so he won’t be able to go. Some the specifics were left out which led me to believe that he didn’t care to be there for me.
I have seen a lot of comments and emails coming from people saying that it doesn’t sound like he is a good boyfriend and what not, but frankly, he really is. I don’t want to make him sound like a horrible person, but seemingly people usually focus on the negatives rather than the positives. He really is a great guy, and he really does treat me well. And something that matters most to me is that he wants to continue to try to make me happy. I do see him putting in the effort as he knows that I am as well. We both have agreed this past weekend that we do want this to work and we will make sacrifices and really try to make it work. This talk was brought on by a big argument I had about his best friend. But that will be another post later.
So I do want to defend him and say he really is a great guy and he does make me happy. And most of the time I am happy. Its just that something bad happens and I just want to write about while not posting about the more positive aspects of our relationship.
Its Valentine's Day tomorrow! What are you doin for it?
I have seen a lot of comments and emails coming from people saying that it doesn’t sound like he is a good boyfriend and what not, but frankly, he really is. I don’t want to make him sound like a horrible person, but seemingly people usually focus on the negatives rather than the positives. He really is a great guy, and he really does treat me well. And something that matters most to me is that he wants to continue to try to make me happy. I do see him putting in the effort as he knows that I am as well. We both have agreed this past weekend that we do want this to work and we will make sacrifices and really try to make it work. This talk was brought on by a big argument I had about his best friend. But that will be another post later.
So I do want to defend him and say he really is a great guy and he does make me happy. And most of the time I am happy. Its just that something bad happens and I just want to write about while not posting about the more positive aspects of our relationship.
Its Valentine's Day tomorrow! What are you doin for it?
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Asking Too Much
Luck hasn’t been on my side for quite some time. Things in my life still are not improving the way I would like them too. I wrote a few posts back that I for the first time in a very long time, prayed. Well I did it again last night. I feel I am out of options to change certain things in my life. So I decided that on Sunday I will go to church. This is the first time I have ever willingly ever gone to church without being dragged to a Catholic church for midnight mass with my mother. There are a few gay friendly churches in the Pittsburgh area, so I will be attending one of those. Because I would rather not go alone, I asked my boyfriend to go with me for the support more than anything else. I am not exactly sure where he stands on religion, I am not sure he does either. But by the end of our conversation I did know a few more things about him.
I know that he doesn’t want to go with me on Sunday. Which is frankly quite fine, well sort of. I asked him to go with me just this once. He didn’t really want to go because he wasn’t sure what to do there or what to say like when to say Amen or Hallelujah. Then I brought up a doctors appointment which I have to make soon. It will be with an endocrinologist. A thyroid specialist who told me that the appointment will last two hours long and that will consists of many medical tests. Obviously no one likes going to the doctor’s office, especially when it is something serious and two hours long. So I asked him to come with me. Thinking that he would have wanted to come with me. Well, his occupation is within the education sector and he told me this time of year is his busy time so he is not really sure he wants to take off of work because of this.
This sort of thing is what makes me feel sort of mad and sad all at the same time. If the situation was reversed and it was him having medical issues and having to go see this specialist, I would want nothing more but to be there with him. In fact I would make it a point to make sure I was there by his side. But things are obviously not that way.
This makes me wonder if I am asking too much from not only him but our relationship. Just because I would do certain things for someone doesn’t necessarily mean I should want them to do the same for me. Once again, expectations are different for the both of us. What I do know is that he has made it pretty clear that I was asking too much from him to attend these two things with me. So I will be attending church by myself on Sunday, which maybe in the end is better that way. I can then focus all my attention on why it is that I am there in the first place. And I will also be attending my doctor’s appointment by myself, without even telling him the date of the appointment. I don’t ever want him to feel obligated to do something for me only because I would like him to. I want him to want to be there. And sometimes that is not always the case. And in the process I even regret or even feel bad for asking him.
I know that he doesn’t want to go with me on Sunday. Which is frankly quite fine, well sort of. I asked him to go with me just this once. He didn’t really want to go because he wasn’t sure what to do there or what to say like when to say Amen or Hallelujah. Then I brought up a doctors appointment which I have to make soon. It will be with an endocrinologist. A thyroid specialist who told me that the appointment will last two hours long and that will consists of many medical tests. Obviously no one likes going to the doctor’s office, especially when it is something serious and two hours long. So I asked him to come with me. Thinking that he would have wanted to come with me. Well, his occupation is within the education sector and he told me this time of year is his busy time so he is not really sure he wants to take off of work because of this.
This sort of thing is what makes me feel sort of mad and sad all at the same time. If the situation was reversed and it was him having medical issues and having to go see this specialist, I would want nothing more but to be there with him. In fact I would make it a point to make sure I was there by his side. But things are obviously not that way.
This makes me wonder if I am asking too much from not only him but our relationship. Just because I would do certain things for someone doesn’t necessarily mean I should want them to do the same for me. Once again, expectations are different for the both of us. What I do know is that he has made it pretty clear that I was asking too much from him to attend these two things with me. So I will be attending church by myself on Sunday, which maybe in the end is better that way. I can then focus all my attention on why it is that I am there in the first place. And I will also be attending my doctor’s appointment by myself, without even telling him the date of the appointment. I don’t ever want him to feel obligated to do something for me only because I would like him to. I want him to want to be there. And sometimes that is not always the case. And in the process I even regret or even feel bad for asking him.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Dilemma
Ok, so here is my current dilemma. In the fridge at my work there has been a 4-pack of chocolate snack pack pudding. It has been there for about 2 weeks now and hasnt moved from its original spot. Everytime I look at it I cant help by feel as if I am the person who bought it and placed it in there. I honestly cant remember if I bought it or not and forgot that I placed it in there. I am torn as to what to do about this. I was really craving some silky smooth chocolate pudding today and wanted so badly to eat one, but I am worried they belong to someone else.
I think if they are still there next week I am going to just claim them as my own. But it has been two weeks already and I am assuming someone would have eaten them by now if they belonged to someone else.
Decisions decisions decisions
I think if they are still there next week I am going to just claim them as my own. But it has been two weeks already and I am assuming someone would have eaten them by now if they belonged to someone else.
Decisions decisions decisions
I Heart A Good Yinzer
If you are familiar with Pittsburgh and you know what a Yinzer is, you will appreciate this alot. And if you are from Pittsburgh you know you must have one!
Monday, February 4, 2008
Peace Be With You
It seems as though my life is starting to slow down a little bit. January was definitely a month I would soon like to forget. Ive written about everything that stressed me out beyond belief so there is no need to rehash it out all again.
Its a new month and one where I will be putting forth much effort to make sure it is not as bad as the previous one. I am trying to stay positive even though most things still seem to be working against me. I even went so far as to even pray. For the first time in many years I looked to someone/something/nothing for help and guidance. I dont know where I stand in regards to religion or the existance fo a higher power, but I figured when you have nothing to lose, then why not. If anything this can instill the hope that I so desperatly need in so many aspects of my life. I may have completely abondoned the Catholic faith that I was brought up with, but I can no longer handle all of my stress alone. This stress hits me like a rock everytime I lay my head on my pillow at night which leads me to pursue my 2 hours of sleep nightly. I may not go to church every Sunday, but I am hoping that my renewed interest may spark something inside me that will in time burn brighter in regards to faith.
I applied to 3 more jobs today in Pittsburgh. All of which I would really enjoy having. I made dinner reservations at a nice fancy restaurant for the bf and I today that I hope goes well. I really look forward to V-Day every year. This year is no different. I am however struggling on how to romance my man. He hates the girly gifts or anything that is over the top too sweet. I am struggling trying to find a happy medium. So if anyone has any ideas feel free to let me know them through form of email because he reads my blog.
WIth everything else, all is boring. I have still been going to the gym 5x a week which I am still impressed with. I am really starting to see the results. I now have a beginners four pack on my abs, two growing pecs, and arms that grow with every week. I cant wait to see what I look like at the end of this month.
Thats all folks.
*The spellchecker isnt working so dont judge my true spelling habits.
Its a new month and one where I will be putting forth much effort to make sure it is not as bad as the previous one. I am trying to stay positive even though most things still seem to be working against me. I even went so far as to even pray. For the first time in many years I looked to someone/something/nothing for help and guidance. I dont know where I stand in regards to religion or the existance fo a higher power, but I figured when you have nothing to lose, then why not. If anything this can instill the hope that I so desperatly need in so many aspects of my life. I may have completely abondoned the Catholic faith that I was brought up with, but I can no longer handle all of my stress alone. This stress hits me like a rock everytime I lay my head on my pillow at night which leads me to pursue my 2 hours of sleep nightly. I may not go to church every Sunday, but I am hoping that my renewed interest may spark something inside me that will in time burn brighter in regards to faith.
I applied to 3 more jobs today in Pittsburgh. All of which I would really enjoy having. I made dinner reservations at a nice fancy restaurant for the bf and I today that I hope goes well. I really look forward to V-Day every year. This year is no different. I am however struggling on how to romance my man. He hates the girly gifts or anything that is over the top too sweet. I am struggling trying to find a happy medium. So if anyone has any ideas feel free to let me know them through form of email because he reads my blog.
WIth everything else, all is boring. I have still been going to the gym 5x a week which I am still impressed with. I am really starting to see the results. I now have a beginners four pack on my abs, two growing pecs, and arms that grow with every week. I cant wait to see what I look like at the end of this month.
Thats all folks.
*The spellchecker isnt working so dont judge my true spelling habits.
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