So I left off at the part where I woke up sporting my daily morning wood, so I went over and smacked my coworker in the face with it and yelled "Oh my diddly gosh, you hot tranny mess, get out of bed!" Okay not really. But upon waking up the day after a disappointing night out, we opened our curtains to find this....*Okay there is no picture here yet, but give me a day and I will actually post them here.* SO for now just imagine a beautiful sunny day, overlooking the ocean with a bunch of cruise ships lines up.
We were excited for the weather, and excited for our view. We showered up, and headed out to South Beach where we intended on finding some nice hotties playing volleyball on the beach. His type of hottie is a bikini clad girl, mine is a nice muscular manly man sporting a nice bulge. Either way, we were on a mission. And the mission was harder than we thought. A this point we didnt know where the hot spots were in South Beach. We didnt know that there are a few streets that are hip and cool. Well we did, we just didnt know where they were or what they were. So we drove and drove around South Beach, until we gave up found a parking spot, and settled onto a nice beach lacking well everything I wanted. There was no sunshine, but only clouds. *This little fun fact will have a huge impact on my life for the next two weeks* There were no hot men. Not even slightly attractive ones. It even lacked pretty girls to look at. I guess when you are on a beach with 10 other people, you cant be picky though. So we obviously didnt pick the cool beach with all the other spring breakers. But nonetheless we were on a beach. And that was the most important thing of all. Because while we were listening to the waves crash against the shore, people back home in Pittsburgh were being snowed in drinking hot chocolate and trying to stay warm.
Due to the fact that it wasnt the least bit sunny, I figured I wouldnt need any sun tan lotion. Hence the name "Sun Tan Lotion". So because no sun, no lotion would be needed. So I frolicked on the beach, running around leaping into the air with joy like a newby twinkie drag queen who just got their latest giant blonde wig. I ended up skipping on the uber gay square cut trunks I planned on wearing only because I would have had all 10 people that were on that beach saying, "Oh, look at that trashy queen, nice butt though." So I walked the beach, tip toed in the water, couldnt swim in it because it was Fuh-reez-ing!
Okay, lets skip how I was asked to be a porn star for Titan, or how I almost had an orgy with a bunch of sorority girls, or even how I saw Britney Spears doing a nude shoot on the beach. Okay, so not all of those things happened, well none of them actually. But after spending about 2.5 hours on the beach, I was a little red. And hour after hour, I got more and more red. That night I got about 3 hours of sleep because my skin was on fire and each movement felt as if I were getting hot coals poured over me. This was the trend for the next week. Very little sleep, face and skin starting to turn into scar tissue from being so incredibly burnt, which led to the inevitable skin peeling. SO the rest of my work week in Miami was a little rough. I was in pain for most of it, and had to apply tons of Aloe Vera to my body just to make myself look halfway presentable. My skin turned from beautiful shades of purple and lilac, to deep luscious shades of red. I can't describe the pain from these burns. By the end of the work week, I wasnt the pain I couldnt stand, but the itching. My skins was falling off my body, like the snow was falling out of the sky in Pittsburgh. It was gross and not pleasant. I felt and looked like a leper. I turned many heads and not in a good way.
My forehead didnt necessarily peel like the rest of my body, rather it had turned into one giant scab because it had got the brunt of the sun or lack there of. When I would scrunch up my forehead, the skin on my chin would move and crack just as the skin on my ears or anywhere else on my head. I have never felt so gross in my life. I wanted to hide in shame and or put a paper bag over my head with a sad :( face drawn on it.
I was nasty. And it sucked.