Someone forwarded this to me this morning at work. Thought it was extremely witty. Everyone must be able to relate to at least 20 of these.
1. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
2. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
3. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
4. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
5. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a d*ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
6. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
7. I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
8. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is..
9. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
10. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
11. Bad decisions make good stories.
12. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
13. That's enough, Nickelback.
14. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
15. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*ck was going on when I first saw it.
16. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
17. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
18. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
19. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
20. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
21. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
22. Was learning cursive really necessary?
23. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
24. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
25. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
26. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
27. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
28. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
29. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
30. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
31. When I meet a new guy, I'm terrified of mentioning something he hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
32. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
33. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
34. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
35. I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
36. I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
37. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
38. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
39. I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
40. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
41. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.