Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Can I Puhleeease Get Some Salad Bar!
Hello ol faithful readers. I haven’t blogged in more than a month which is the longest I have been away from you all. But I am back, and feeling rejuvenated enough to begin blogging on a regular basis. I got the extra push from a certain Podcast who requested I get back to my regular blogging. So Thanks Gerry for the kick in the ass. I got some good shit to write about again, so hopefully you all will invite me back into your wonderful gay little lives again.
So lets start off by celebrating quite a feat that I didn’t even realize I accomplished until about 2 minutes ago. On May 11th 2010, I wrote/posted my 500th blog entry. I am sad that I didn’t realize it until now, as we could have all celebrated together and somehow included little Greyson Chance whom the blog post was about. But nonetheless, as long as I recognized it, that’s celebratory enough for me. A congrats would be nice from you all too. I am also approaching my 3 year blog anniversary, in the coming days, so look forward to a nice ol nostalgia filled post for that one!
Ok…pause…break…back to the present. Over the weekend, I attended my first bachelor party for one of my very good friends. I was extremely excited because I was hoping that it would be like the movie “The Hangover” however, it actually turned out to be anything but that. It was supposed to be fun as I figured most bachelor parties are, but this was just a dud. It started out by 12 of us guys going to a baseball game to see the embarrassing Pittsburgh Pirates take on the Philadelphia Phillies to which we lost 12-2. I don’t really get baseball to be honest. Unless you are playing it, it is the slowest and most boring game on the planet to watch. I am even on a softball league currently, and that is even somewhat boring. Luckily, we only sat through about half of the game before we bounced and went to have some dinner. Now let me preface the rest of this boring story with that fact that I was under the assumption that our little party would be going to a strip club at some point in the night. I was highly looking forward to this since I haven’t been to one in about 5 years. So the idea of looking at possibly hot naked chicks thrusting their dirty STD filled vaginal cavities in my face was something to look forward to. I was especially excited to see a certain stripper dance move called the Salad Bar. Whats the “Salad Bar” you ask? Well, basically a girl does an upside down split with her legs in the air and her vag and beef curtains directly in your face. Hence the “salad bar”. Kinda really gross, but also kinda fun. So anyways, the whole time we were at dinner, I just wanted to finish our food and head to the titty bar. However, as I would soon find out, that was not in the cards for me. Basically after dinner was over, no one wanted to go to the strip club except for 2 people. My boyfriend and myself. Yeah, the two gay guys wanted to go stare at tits and pussy more than the straight guys did. Ummm, confused much? So we ended up going to a little bar leaving at 2am and everyone going home. Fun.
Call me a traditionalist, but I thought going to a strip club was like mandatory in the straight guy bible on Bachelor parties. Is the new male the tanned, hairless, pussies that I see walking around the streets in their Ed Hardy clothing?! What the hell! What happened to the masculine man that once was. Straight guys now more than ever are even gayer than gay guys!!! For example…
Me: Hey man, are we going to see some tits tonight?!
Gayish Straight Guy: Not unless they’re my girlfriends.
Me: Come on man, it’s a bachelor party.
Gayish Straight Guy: Sorry I respect women.
What is happening to this world!!! I’m sorry, when and if I ever have a bachelor party, I want balls and tits being slapped off my face! I want a man’s hairy ass and a woman’s ass bouncing in front of me as I wave a dollar in the god damn air. That’s what the bachelor party is all about! But what do I know? Maybe the new refined male is what I should now be modeling myself after. I will start to tan on a daily basis and have more product in my hair than a 40 year old Italian woman. I will shave off every single hair on my body in efforts to look more feminine than biggest queen in West Hollywood. This is the new male. I don’t like it, but I guess I will have to adjust.